1. The Obvious "Just Before the Photo" Scramble:
* How NOT to do it: Set the timer for 3 seconds. Place your phone/camera on a precarious stack of books or a wobbly surface. Rush into the frame, tripping over something along the way. Just as the photo snaps, you're still mid-scramble, eyes wide with panic, hair a mess, and a look of pure terror.
2. The "Dead-Center" Stare:
* How NOT to do it: Position yourself dead-center in the frame. Stare directly into the lens with the intensity of a thousand suns. Don't blink. Don't smile. Don't move a muscle. Aim for maximum awkwardness and a look that says, "I am being held hostage by this camera."
3. The "Awkward Hand Position" Saga:
* How NOT to do it: After your scramble, freeze into the most unnatural pose you can imagine. Let your hands dangle limply at your sides, or clasp them tightly in front of your stomach like you're about to receive an award. Experiment with placing one hand awkwardly on your hip, elbow sticking out at a bizarre angle. The goal is to make it appear as though you've never interacted with your limbs before.
4. The "Terrible Lighting" Special:
* How NOT to do it: Choose the worst lighting possible. Stand with your back to a window, creating a silhouette. Or stand directly under a harsh overhead light, casting unflattering shadows on your face. Overexpose your face with direct sunlight. Ensure there's a glaring reflection in your glasses. If all else fails, take the photo in complete darkness.
5. The "Busy Background" Nightmare:
* How NOT to do it: Ignore your surroundings. Take the photo in front of a pile of laundry, a messy kitchen, or a distracting street scene. The more clutter, the better. Ideally, something should be sticking out of your head.
6. The "I Forgot About the Timer" Moment:
* How NOT to do it: Set the timer. Then, completely forget about it. Start checking your phone, adjusting your clothes, or engaging in a deep conversation with someone off-screen. Be completely surprised when the camera goes off, capturing you in a moment of utter unpreparedness.
7. The "Accidental Butt Dial" Debacle:
* How NOT to do it: Position your phone on something with volume buttons or turn the volume all the way up. In the rush to get into frame knock the buttons/surface and inadvertently start dialing someone. Bonus points if that person is your boss or ex. Even better if they pick up and the camera snaps a picture of your mortified face along with your awkward explanation.
8. The "Low Battery Death":
* How NOT to do it: Only attempt this when your phone battery is flashing a warning and about to die. After multiple attempts at fixing all of the above points, your phone will finally give up right before what would have been the perfect shot.
9. The "I Hate This Photo" Post:
* How NOT to do it: After failing at all the previous steps, post the unflattering photo anyway, captioning it with something self-deprecating like "Nailed it!" or "Just a casual selfie." Then, proceed to cringe every time someone likes or comments on it.
In essence, the key to a *bad* self-timer portrait is to be unprepared, unaware of your surroundings, and completely unnatural.
Now, for the reverse - how TO take a good one, simply avoid all of the above!