The "How NOT To" Guide to Self-Timer Portraits:
1. Composition Catastrophes:
* The Headless Horror: Chop off half your head. Aim the camera too high or too low. Ensure only your chin or forehead is visible. Bonus points for cutting off elbows and feet at awkward points.
* The "Wall of Wallpaper" Special: Completely ignore your background. Choose the most cluttered, distracting, and unflattering background imaginable. Bonus if it's a dirty wall, overflowing laundry basket, or a pile of unread mail.
* The Centered Spectacle of Boredom: Always place yourself dead center in the frame. Never consider the rule of thirds, leading lines, or negative space. The more static and uninspired, the better.
* The Zoomed-In Awkwardness: Get so close to the camera that your face is distorted and unflattering. Let's focus on every pore, every wrinkle, and every stray hair.
* The Distracting Elements: Leave random objects in the frame. Half-empty coffee cups, dirty dishes, or crumpled papers add a real sense of "I don't care" to the image.
2. Lighting Disasters:
* The Direct Flash Assault: Use the built-in flash on your camera and aim it directly at your face. The more harsh and unflattering the light, the better. Red eye is a must.
* The Backlit Silhouette of Doom: Stand in front of a bright window and become a featureless dark blob. Let the background be perfectly exposed while you fade into oblivion.
* The Uneven Shadow Circus: Take your photo under harsh, dappled sunlight, creating a patchwork of shadows on your face. One eye should be completely in shadow, the other blinded by light.
* The Fluorescent Green Glow: Take your photos under fluorescent lights for that sickly, washed-out complexion. You'll look like you haven't slept in days.
3. Posing Problems:
* The "Deer in Headlights" Stare: Stare directly into the camera with a vacant, unblinking gaze. The more uncomfortable and unnatural, the better.
* The Awkward Hand Situation: Let your hands dangle awkwardly at your sides, or clench them into tight fists. Never consider what to do with them. The more unnatural the better.
* The "Forced Smile" Grimace: Force a wide, unnatural smile that doesn't reach your eyes. Bonus points for showing too much gum.
* The Static Stance of Immobile Dullness: Stand perfectly still and rigid, like a statue. Never move, adjust, or interact with your surroundings.
* The 'Trying-Too-Hard' Overpose: Strike a pose so bizarre and unnatural that it screams "I'm trying way too hard!" Think contorted limbs, strained expressions, and awkward angles.
4. Technical Troubles:
* The Blurry Blur: Forget to focus the camera properly. The blurrier the image, the more artistic it becomes (supposedly). Movement during the timer countdown is highly encouraged.
* The Low-Resolution Nightmare: Use the lowest possible image quality setting on your camera. Pixelation is your friend.
* The Battery Depletion Debacle: Let your camera battery die halfway through your self-timer session. The more frustrating, the better.
* The Fingerprint Smudge of Doom: Leave a greasy fingerprint directly on the camera lens. The more visible the smudge, the more "character" it adds.
* The Camera Shake Catastrophe: Do not use a tripod. Hold the camera in your hands as you run into position for your picture. The more motion blur, the better.
5. General Negligence:
* The "I Don't Care" Attitude: Put absolutely no effort into your appearance or the overall composition of the photo. The more disheveled and unprepared, the better.
* The Post-Production Avoidance: Refuse to edit or adjust your photos in any way. The raw, unedited image is always superior (apparently).
* The "One and Done" Approach: Take only one photo and immediately declare it "perfect." Never experiment with different angles, poses, or settings.
* The Ignoring Your Strengths: Don't consider what makes you unique or attractive. Just stand there and hope for the best.
* The Copycat Calamity: Attempt to recreate a trendy pose or style without understanding why it works. The more forced and unnatural, the better.
In summary: Be lazy, clueless, and completely ignore basic photography principles. You're guaranteed a terrible self-timer portrait!
Now that you know what *not* to do, you're well on your way to taking fantastic self-portraits! Good luck! Remember to do the *opposite* of everything listed above!