1. Don't Plan (or Even Think) About the Shot:
* The Setting: Just stand anywhere. The messy laundry in the background? Perfect! The busy street with cars whizzing by? Even better! Ambience!
* The Pose: Wing it! First thing that comes to mind is the best. Awkwardly crossed arms? Randomly gesturing at the sky? Go for it.
* The Lighting: Natural light? Artificial light? Who cares! Whatever's hitting you is what you get. Shadows? Glare? Part of the "artistic" effect.
2. Don't Worry About Focus:
* Just point and shoot. Blurry is the new sharp. It adds mystery. No need to check if you're actually in focus.
* If your camera/phone does focus, *definitely* don't tap on the screen to ensure it's focusing on your face. That's way too much effort.
3. Don't Consider the Composition:
* Center everything! The exact middle of the frame is the only place to be.
* Zoom in way too close! Get right up in your face. Show everyone every pore and stray hair.
* Or zoom way too far out! Be a tiny, insignificant speck in a vast, empty landscape.
* Crooked is cool! An angled horizon line screams "I'm an edgy artist!"
4. Don't Check the Settings:
* Flash on, always! Even in bright sunlight, the blinding flash will add that extra special "deer in headlights" look.
* Filters galore! Crank up the saturation until your skin looks radioactive orange.
* Resolution? Shutter speed? Aperture? Those are just fancy words for things you don't need to know.
5. Don't Practice (or Take More Than One Shot):
* The first shot is *always* the best. Don't waste time taking multiple pictures.
* If you blink, make a weird face, or the timer catches you mid-stride, that's just part of the "authentic" experience.
* Delete multiple photos? Never heard of her.
6. Don't Use Props (Unless They're Super Random and Unrelated):
* Holding a rubber chicken while staring intensely at the camera? Genius!
* Wearing a mismatched collection of clothing and accessories? Unforgettable!
7. Don't Smile (Unless It's Terrifying):
* A forced, strained, teeth-baring grin is the way to go.
* Alternatively, a completely deadpan stare can also work wonders.
8. The Most Important Rule: Don't Have Fun!
* Self-timer portraits should be a stressful, agonizing experience.
* The more awkward and uncomfortable you feel, the better the photo will be (probably).
In conclusion: Embrace the chaos, ignore all photography advice, and create a self-timer portrait that is so bad, it's almost good...or just plain bad. Good luck! (You'll need it.)